mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
