Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
