Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
