you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
