So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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