yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
