If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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