3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Less talking, more tequila
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
