We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
