CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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