Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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