I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
