Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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