i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
