Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
