Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
