Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
