let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
