the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
