Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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