i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
