I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
