You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
