cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you inspire me to be a worse person
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
