I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
