I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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