Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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