a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
