my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
