Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
