C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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