I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
