I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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