and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
