I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
