I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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