He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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