Someone shit on the floor
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
