There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
