I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
