we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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