Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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