either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
