remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
