He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
