My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
