its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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