I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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