I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
