I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
