I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
