I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
