eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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