Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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