just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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