Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
