Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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