do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
