it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
