I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
