he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
