you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
