I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
